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| So the long soul searching process has come to a halt when i thought it would be in full effect.. I guess I'm just spoiled and expect the clouds to part and a BIG BOOMING voice to say "Shannon, you need to do ____________ and all will be right in your world". I have been quite spoiled in life.. With great people, great friends, great family and great opportunities. I have NOT once had a real bonafide interview for a job that I have held. Instead, I wait for something new to fall in my lap. PERHAPS this is why I'm never satisfied with a job. Or the fact that I have this incessant need to fix things.. And once they are fixed to my satisfaction, I'm done with it..
I have so many issues that I'm discovering about myself as I continue to search my inner self.. I can't compromise!! I have this need to be extreme.. One way or the other.. I can't explain why.. I don't know what it is that doesn't allow me to be in a happy medium.. I need to work on that..
I have a need to fix everything.. and in most ways I become a control freak.. It's quite terrible and perhaps why I am always scrutinizing other ppl and the way they do things! I feel compelled to do it my way.. and not sit back and watch someone else take the reigns.. I can't let these things affect me. If it's not my problem I need to be able to walk away.
I like to complain. I don't know why. It's like that saying.. A rotten apple spoils the bunch. I see it in action at work all the time. One complaint launched will lead to a sour group.. It's really annoying and terrible. Why do I do it?! I really don't have it that bad. I just like to compare? Or maybe I want to one-up someone?
I am ridiculously competitive.. I will always think "I can do that better" but there are quite a few things where I'm sure I cannot.. Such as cooking, playing basketball, playing a musical instrument or jumping hurdles. LOL. But for some reason, when people challenge me or I see a possibility for a competition... I have to jump in. Not just in recreational sports or whatever but in life!! I think it's why I can't just sit back and be.. I think it's also why I'm never satisfied, because I want to beat my own records.. or personal accomplishments..
I am pessimistic.. I thrive on my own negative energy. It's not good. I need to figure out how to find the silver lining. I need to see that the glass is half full and really channel that into my every day routine. I need to be grateful for the things I have.. being in Mexico changed my perspective really quickly.. Sad part is, the moment I came back.. I forgot it. I got caught up being negative and forgetting what is important.
I need to be able to shrug things off. I don't know how to differentiate what I should hold onto.. and what I need to let go. I take things too personally. The outer shell.. that shield.. my walls.. they just become too permeable. I try to keep them up to protect myself, BUT when I do that, I am afraid I'm being cold and a horrible person.. so I allow things in that shouldn't!! And then they bother me WAY more than it should.
So, in a nutshell.. I'm accepting the fact that I have MANY flaws.. I'm working on being more positive and blocking out the negative!! I'm trying to refrain from complaining.. AKA venting by finding new hobbies - learning guitar, working out, training for a marathon, bowling. I'm trying to let things roll off my shoulders.. I'm trying to push my borders.. Step outside my comfort zone and test myself. Start doing things that scare me (i.e. take a dance class.. try to learn an instrument, public speaking?) constantly do things to see if I can amaze myself. I learn the hard way.. Sink or Swim.. So why no push myself in all aspects. So what if I sink?! What's the worst thing? I embarrass myself? Why am I so scared of embarrassment? I have been through worse.. I have survived worse! I will continue to survive. So it's time to LIVE. It's time to let go! It's time to move forward!! It's time to make that change!!! | | |
| A friend of mine once told me this.. and I thought about it and supposed it to be true. I mean, if it's not, then how did each of us get this far? Clearly, everyone has their fair share of trials and tribulations, and they are still here to talk about it.. so it must have some truth to it.
If this is true, I must be made of freaking Titanium after today!! I can't believe how Murphy's Law "Anything that can go wrong, will", can go into effect and just not stop for an entire day... My Friday to be exact!! UGHHHH!! I have to say though, that being able to survive.. no that's not the word.. THRIVE from the experience, makes me feel much better about myself! How do you not feel wonderful after successfully getting through the darkest tunnel and seeing the light at the end?! How do you not feel as if you can do anything after that??
I definitely feel as if my limits were tested today.. I feel as if I threw out a few lifelines.. and only a few of them actually came through. I am lucky for having the people who have pulled through for me.. I can't believe I have some people (aquaintances really) that I barely met 2 months ago who have really just saved my butt at work!! Not only do they save me time to get back to the other terminal, but they fed me and showed some compassion where there really was none.
I know that someday I will be able to impact someone's life in an extraordinary way.. I'm not sure how yet. I want to send out ripples that will continue across the entire world.. That I will have showed compassion to someone when they felt there was none.. To be able to show just one person that Humanity is not going to $hit.. Sometimes I lose my faith in people.. and someone comes along and does something so small.. and it just impacts me in a huge way! That's what I hope to share with the world.. I want to be remembered.. I want to have been SOMEONE.. not just one of the millions of people that wander this earth.. I don't want to discover a new element, or be in the guiness book of world records.. I just want to have been that one person somewhere who did something small that impacted someone in a huge way.. If I can do that.. then my life will be fulfilled.. I don't need a big house, 2.5 children, a yard, a big job title with 6 figures.. I just want to be the difference I want to see in the world.. I want to have this sticker "I JUST CHANGED THE WORLD" actually mean something.. | | |
| this is a change of pace for me, trying to write about happiness in a good way.. rather than going on and on about how fleeting and temporary it is.. I am, by nature or nurture, a pessimist. I have difficulty finding the silver lining, even if the entire thing is silver!! I would still find a blemish or something wrong with it.. BUT I have not found life as fulfilling.. as satisfying by being this way. I decided I was fed up with being miserable and made the CHOICE to change. I don't know how I did or what I did to change.. but I did! I'm still changing.. I'm still growing.. I'm still amazing myself.. I'm still falling flat on my face. BUT it's ok! How did this happen? I'm not sure. I was tired of complacency, so I walked away. I was tired of being sad and mopey.. so I searched and created a sense of happiness. Is it real? I'm not sure, but I'm finding life much more interesting. I realized that YES happiness is fleeting and temporary when you are SEARCHING for it. You can't expect to walk around and have happiness fall in your lap. You have to discover it in everyday things! You even have to create it! Learn to laugh at things.. laugh at yourself.. smile about something!! It's amazing how much it helps.. It sounds ridiculous and cheezy.. but it's so true! | | |
| so.. Day 3 is coming to a close.. and i STILL miss my food.. man.. what i would do for a salty snack.. sighhhh.. It's supposed to get easier. or so they say. who knows.. I'm not having as many bowel movements as they talk about on the forums, but I guess it's different for everyone. Maybe today will bring crazy ones.. hahhahaha.. who knows.. I miss food.. i want a cheeseburger or a steak sooo bad.. I'm supposed to be gaining a better attitude and more energy.. but i'm just grumpy from no food.. hehehehe hope tomorrow i'm feeling more euphoric.. i guess i'll see.. so far.. i lost like 2 lbs on this no food diet.. hope more just falls off.. i want to lose that dayam donut.. grrrrr | | |
| So tomorrow I make a humongous sacrifice.. I give up food for a week. It's supposed to be for 10 days minimum but I can't commit that yet due to schedule conflicts. I'm starting the Lemonade diet aka the Master Cleanser to help detox my system and lose weight while doing it. I am on about month 3 of working out as much as physically possible. I decided that I'm disgusted with my appearance and it's time I really took things into my own hands and changed it. So, my goals were to work out (take classes at the gym, do cardio, and weights), swim, rock climb, etc. while paying attention to my eating habits. I realize that my greatest weakness is french fries (actually anything made with potatoes), so I cut back to having one serving of french fries a week. Funny thing was that in doing so, I was cutting back severely on my fast food intake, so that was an added bonus. Along with reducing fast food, I cut out sodas (with the exception of red bull). Anyone who knows me will be able to agree that Red Bull is my vice.. sad but true. It's been about 3+ months and I'm starting to see a small difference.. The scale says I have lost about 15 lbs from the heaviest I have ever been.. but I'm not sure that counts as part of attaining my goals.. I want to return to my high school weight, but I'm sure that is impossible. I hope to get rid of my belly donut. For those who don't know, that is the ring of fat that surrounds the belly button and causes an innertube like shape to show when a form fitting shirt is worn. I have one of those and that is what I ultimately want to lose. I hope that this will help me get one step closer to it. Tomorrow I will step on a scale and see where my weight is and see if any progress is made as far as losing weight goes.. | | |
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